Here’s my Christmas wish-list. I’ve been a VERY good girl this year so DON’T HOLD BACK.
- A gold-plated trowel with a diamond-encrusted handle – only joking but I WOULD like a new trowel with matching fork, in designer colours, not because I really need one but because I want to look as good when I’m weeding as Maureen next door.
- Ditto new gloves and gardening apron. Not just the usual tacky old stuff from Bunnings that my husband always buys me, but something from an upmarket gardening shop.
- A new, big compost bin that really works. I’m sick of forking it over in my old plank-and-netting two bin system. Perhaps in a designer colour rather than basic black.
- A selection of roses that are really and truly and honestly resistant to black spot and aphids.
- A gardener who looks like George Clooney – well, maybe a little younger than George. Maybe Richard Armitage.
- A hose that doesn’t kink, on a reel that doesn’t give me a hernia when I try to wind it up.
- One of those exquisitely elegant Dean Durrant water features, teamed with something new and exciting in garden statuary that isn’t either fake Italian classical shit or Balinese.
- A new pair of knees – titanium would be good.
- A pair of self-sharpening secateurs
- An endless credit card so I can buy as many plants as I want (I say this every year and never get it – but I buy ‘em anyway!)
So that’s it Santa honey. All pretty simple really. Just get out that sleigh and whip up those reindeer and get shopping. You know my address and yes, I’ve got the milk and cookies waiting. And I’ll be wearing that sexy red and white thong you bought me last year…
Santa cutie, hurry down the chimney tonight…oh bugger, we don’t have a chimney. Never mind, I’ll leave the back door open…
( And you might like to check out this great YouTube video – Eartha Kitt with Friends singing “Santa Baby”)